What Changes Me

I had a lightbulb moment two weeks ago. It was about repentance.

Did a dirty, bearded man with wild white hair and an angry face just come to mind? When I hear the word "repent" I think of the street preacher who stood in front of the student union at UNC and yelled at us. It wasn't nice. We called those guys "pit preachers" because they located themselves centrally in the pit, the common area between the library, the student union, the bookstore and Greenlaw Hall.

Pit preachers were good at telling us to repent. They weren't so good at explaining why. I remember this guy arguing with atheists and Christians alike. I don't know what he was preaching, but he sure was convinced of it himself. This is the guy who comes to mind when I hear the word "repent." He's straight out of a Flannery O'Conner novel. He doesn't make the idea appealing, let me tell you.

But my whole faith, Christianity, is based upon the basic principle of repentance. It's completely biblical. It's central. Two weeks ago I realized just how central it is.

You see, I have this gaping hole in my character. I won't go into detail here because we all have different ones. Just fill in the blank. It's that thing you can't stand about yourself but you're powerless to change. For some reason, this pattern of behavior has got you in a vice grip. It's irrational. You know better. No matter. You can't seem to stop. There are self-help books falling off of the shelves telling you how to fix it. You've read them. You've tried them. They don't work. Guess what works.

Repentance.

A couple of weeks ago I realized that for all of my striving and praying and managing and adjusting and tweaking and venting and remorse, I hadn't repented of this particular pattern in my life. Oh I had grumbled to God about it plenty, but I hadn't poured it out to him and told him I was sorry and told him I wasn't planning on living the rest of my life with this as part of it and that he had to yank it out of me because clearly I couldn't do squat about it. I hadn't done that.

So one early morning about two weeks ago--not when the neighbors were hanging out here--I got on my knees and put my forehead on the floor. This works for me. When I do this, I mean business. I told God I didn't want to live a life of hypocrisy in front of my children. I told him I didn't want them to think my God was a fraud because of this thing in my life that was not like him. I told him that I was as serious as a heart attack and that I was going to keep asking him to change it every day until I died and that if he wouldn't there was no point in going forward. No point.

Friends, I'm not kidding you. He answered that prayer. That nasty part of me hasn't reared its head once since I began repenting of it daily, and believe me, I've had some whopper triggers come my way since then. Still, that yuck hasn't shown up. It has been such a shock to me that I'm starting to repent about all kinds of things--eating out too much, wasting money on things we don't need, wasting time on the computer. Are these gaping holes in my character? I don't think so, but if God can change this other compulsive part of me, why not everything?

Now, before I present this as a quick fix, it isn't. It comes from an active relationship with the living God. How did I get that? Jesus.

Jesus. Jesus. Jesus.

Color me crazy, I know. That's alright with me. When you decide to follow Jesus, you kind of sign up to be called crazy. (Totally worth it.) And in regards to this pattern in my life, I think I might have to repent of this specific thing and ask for his grace every day until I die. It's just part of the fabric of who I am. You know the model, "My name is Jennifer and I'm an alcoholic." Alcohol wasn't it for me, but you get the point. I want to live in this place of humility. Grace changes lives. Humility is the way we get there. I need to be saved from myself.

Good gracious I'm on a soap box this morning. I'm going to just keep on going.

Sin. Savior. Are these antiquated words? Antiquated concepts? How could they be relevant? Well, I look at this two ways.

One: Look at the world on a global scale. Watch the evening news. Now tell me--if mankind is ultimately pure in heart, how did we get to this place? It's atrocious. War. Oppression. Genocide. Tell me we don't need saving.

Two: Look at your own life. Is there stuff there you haven't been able to fix despite your best efforts? Anxiety? Compulsive eating? Anger that comes out sideways on the people you love most? Little lies you tell to make people like you? Or maybe you're able to fix it, then you find yourself looking down on everyone who can't. Either way, you're not free. Wouldn't you like to have someone save you from that? If not, I like it enough for us both.

Repentance, Martha. It's a good thing.

This is the message we have heard from him and proclaim to you, that God is light, and in him is no darkness at all. If we say we have fellowship with him while we walk in darkness, we lie and do not practice the truth. But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus his Son cleanses us from all sin. If we say we have no sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. If we say we have not sinned, we make him a liar, and his word is not in us.  1 John 1:5-10